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Throwback Review of Robo Vampire

Originally published 10/14/2019

“The worst horror movie I ever saw was fucking great,” Stephen King said to Eli Roth during their conversation on Eli Roth’s History of Horror.

With that in mind, I clicked play on Robo Vampire. Vampires meeting robots? And oh god the cover looks awful. They used an image of Robocop, like, holy shit, do they use a Robocop outfit in the movie and say fucks to American copyright? Haha. No. They didn’t. They painted some shit lying around silver and called it metal, dubious at best, more like absurd. At one point the Robo Vampire calls himself Robo Warrior, so yeah, absurd. I can only imagine all the shit I missed only watching it once.

The next point, I think they meant zombies, not vampires (the only vampire trope they followed were garlic and sleeping arrangements). These undead creatures consume pounds of heroin in their caskets, but I’m not really sure why. In fact, this movie is wholly confusing, I mean the super, boss vampire wears a gorilla mask. There’s a ghost who shows her boobs in every scene (tits!). The dubbing is outrageous nonsense. At one point, a blonde woman leaps through a window and the stunt man (yeah, stunt MAN) is wearing a grey wig! The rifle aim by the soldiers and officers rivals Commando, like a 0.01% hit rate. Pew pew pew pew…nothing. Everybody keeps running, mostly.

I can’t fathom the fantastic dance of fuck ups and poor effort that produces something like this. Like who funded this director’s vision?

Maybe a genius.

This movie is amazing. I am in awe of how unintentionally entertaining Robo Vampire was. I suppose the real glue holding this thing together is that it’s non-stop action. The entire script has to be something like six pages for 90 minutes. Every scene has layman martial arts fighting, like kids imitating Bruce Lee. The rope work is wild and visible. The director reversed a ton of scenes to make magic, even did the Three Stooges move with the flying cigarette. The seemingly random vampire abilities were fantastical and surprising. There was no limit to the whims followed in this one.

What does this amount to?

At no time during the 90-minute runtime was I bored.

Watch via Amazon (US)


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